Masochistic Perceptions, Trials and Truths

These are my cyberfied cerebral synapses ricocheting off reality as I perceive it: thoughts, opinions, passions, rants, art and poetry...

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Motivational Lull

Perhaps it is a wee bit ironic that I find it difficult to motivate myself on the brink of New Year's and its traditions. I can't even blame the weather as it has been unseasonably warm here, having just passed the Winter solstice, with daily highs in the +5c range when it's usually more like -25c. Part of it is more than likely associated with the disruption of routine, coupled with excessive sweets abounding and partaking in a few more drinks than usual.

I'm really struggling with the thought of going to Aikido class in the New Year. Haggard by shift work and dreading the commute on the train over to the University are the main mental obstacles in my way, as well as fearing further injury to my shoulder. It's funny how we can view these obstacles that we create, recognise them for what they are, but still not push ourselves to the point of action. I know that once I do drag my sorry butt to class that I'll be glad that I did. What is it with these lethargic tendancies we tend to exhibit at times?

People are funny creatures in that we often do things that we know we will regret later, or, on the flipside, refain from doing something and regret having not done it. It truly believe that, on some level, there are masochistic tendencies within us all. Sometimes this masochism is good, like the feeling you get when you push yourself beyond your comfort zone. I remember a few years back when a colleague approached me and said "I hear you know a lot about fitness, can you train me to run the Great Canadian Death Race?" Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this race, it is a 125 km run in under 24 hours through the Canadian Rockies. This guy hadn't even completed a marathon and he was convinced that he wanted to do this. So I agreed and the pure mental sadism I subjected this guy to was phenominal - always pushing him a bit further than he thought he could go. In the end, he successfully completed the race in 18 hours.

I must conceed that I often have been walking without direction in this journey I call life. There have been periods when I began to fall into a particular defining persona, but never comfortably, for which I am grateful. On the other hand, it's been some time since I have pursued a particular passion, and I am the type of person who needs to have that thing that ignites passion and pushes one's limits. So, on the plus, I've dabbled in several things, but on the downside, I feel somewhat entrenched within medeocrity, in spite of my resume.

Growing older, having a family and a mortage has definitely made me more conservative than the free roaming, never live in the same place for a year lad I was in my 20's. I've had recruiters hounding me from the UK and USA to go teach, but ignore them, deciding to remain with the security of the Prison. I actually had an interview with the local school board here last month, but will more than likely not accept a position (my views on the school system and their coercive programming methods is an entire rant on its own!). Funny, because at one time teaching was my passion. Now, though many of my friends and colleagues think I'm nuts for wanting to stay at the Max, I still view it as a job that I'm good at, with its unique challenges. I'm also completely institutionalised after being there for four years, but, again, those are the same self-generated psychological barriers which I mentioned earlier.

And thus goes the cycle. These slumps used to get me down, but, recognising them for the blah periods that they are, I continue to seek a spark. Like any athlete, one can not remain at their peak forever. Funny thing is, you wake up the next day after a good nights sleep and our perspectives can swing a whole 180 degrees and it's off to the Galway Races!


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