Masochistic Perceptions, Trials and Truths

These are my cyberfied cerebral synapses ricocheting off reality as I perceive it: thoughts, opinions, passions, rants, art and poetry...

Monday, March 27, 2006

Moving Out of Check

So, lots of ice, Tiger Balm and high test Robaxacet and my shoulder is feeling better. Did a bit of yoga breathing too. Utilising my endeavour to be patient as practised through learning to be a better Chess player and human being, I didn’t go to Judo this evening, and I might take a week or so to ensure that there’s nothing serious - not pulling the plug on it yet. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s funny though, when I get really down I tend to think radically, erratically and resolve to make significant resolutions. For example, in the depth of my woes last night, I took it upon myself to email the school that had offered me a teaching position this past January, stating that if a vacancy was available in September that I’d be interested. This is something that I have been thinking about for some time (it’s brilliant to see how radically I contradict myself from one blog entry to the next as I refer back to my missive on finally deciding to abandon teaching altogether). Injuring my shoulder has really pounded home the realisation that I am getting older and, as I pride myself on being a rough and tumble Officer, that my days of being a proverbial brick shithouse are numbered, and I never want to be one of those Officers who younger Guards dread working with because I’m too long in the tooth to step up to the plate if need be. I have also been put off significantly by the hiring practises at work as, in my opinion, the bar keeps being lowered to the point that the new Officers that we are receiving are dangerous. I know that I have been very critical of the Canadian Correctional system and the people of this country really need to see what is going on inside and in their name – it’s rotten through and through.

Getting back to teaching… I know I said that I felt my desire was waning, but, on the other hand, I feel today’s youth really need a teacher like me who challenges them to have a real look at the world and who is passionate about being part of the process. I know that I’ve quoted Shaw who wrote “those who can, do. Those who can not, teach.” I still agree with this to a degree in that I want to do the things that I’m teaching about as opposed to re-hashing the glory and actions of others. But, also, I think that I’m beginning (and just beginning!) to feel that I no longer have to prove myself. I went from the inner city fat kid who barely passed junior high to an honour student with two degrees and international honours in sport. My resume is rich with travel, things like working in a maximum security prison, etc. I have a beautiful family, great friends, a house in the burbs - what more do I need to prove to myself? I apologise if I’m seeming boastful, as that is not my intent. You’ve got to live life to prove things to yourself – what other’s think is for them to determine.

Life is very much like a Chess game in that you have to plot your moves carefully and keep your perspective as there will be loops thrown at you in addition to gifts and traps. Ultimately we are responsible for each move and learning from each game in which we are engaged. Most often we end up in a draw, but sometimes we win and others, lose. That is life. It’s interesting, using this analogy, as a colleague of mine plays Chess competitively and, as he knows that I’m playing against a computer regularly, invited me to come out to the local Chess club this evening. Though I decline for tonight, I will take him up once I get my feet wet. Using this metaphor, perhaps I made the wrong move back in January regarding this teaching position, and that opportunity may be lost or it may be salvaged - far from check-mate! Because of my mistakes, I feel that I am moving forward wiser regardless and still very much taking in this journey…..


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