Bobbing


As I sit sipping some 15 year old Glenfiddich Solera Reserve single malt, listing to a bit of Shostakovich, a sense of fulfillment is washing over me. In spite of the mercury dropping to frigid lows, I feel like I’ve finally made a quantitative achievement through qualitative assessment. That is to say, I’ve pretty much nailed the lid on my first set of report cards. It’s interesting to observe my inner ebbs of emotion, swirled about by the odd rogue wave.

Don’t get me wrong, I still thrash wildly in the throngs of my mid-life crisis which commenced in my 20’s -I suppose this is attributed to my broody introspective and overly self-critical view of my self. Certainly, as I reflect on recent entries, I see what a pathetic moaning bastard I’ve become, certain that ideal happiness is like all other ideals – great until transferred to people and a constant that can never be maintained, no matter how clearly the Buddha illustrates the root of despair. But, taking a Buddhist perspective, I suppose the ups and downs in life compliment each other and, like any poet, I take extremely high highs and low lows. I guess this is the heart of masochism, is it not? A certain pleasure in pain, and a necessary yin to the yang of joy.

Though, by all appearances, it might seem that I dwell – but I am not a dweller. I moan and am pathetic, yes, but I don’t sit and “woe is me”. Rather I push myself harder (perhaps a part of my problem). In any case, I’ve been inspired by “Frida” (the movie and the book – the book is much better) and continue my literary enrichment by taking on Thomas Mann’s Doctor Faustus. Yes, I still dream of that utilitarian communist utopia made where I and other like minded pagan academics live in communal peace and Art with goats and dragonflies, void of bureaucrats. In fact, I’m contemplating joining the Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada as they are as valid as any other religion (and I do love their berets!)…

I have also started teaching myself Classical Guitar. I don’t know how long this will last. My early progress is promising (I’ve tried to teach myself before using this same book), though I’m getting near to the point in the lessons that I gave up previously in frustration. Perhaps I will discuss lessons in the new year with the missus. Even if I don’t go the Classical route (I can already play most major and minor chords), I might go alternative rock or folk – most likely the latter. Truly, though I will always remain active with things like Yoga and exercise, I think my days of hard training are winding down. Why most athletes retire in their late thirties is evident as I am presently traveling through this epoch.

That being said – and perhaps further hyperbolising my duplicity, I did recently beginning a power lifting program. My heart isn’t truly in it as I am only half contemplating trying Gaelic Football with a local club this Spring. I’m tired of being the brick shithouse though. Genetics, sadly, aren’t really conducive to me being a smaller guy.

One thing that has caught my attention is a re-kindled interest in Gojukai Karate. As you will remember, nearly a year ago, I contemplated joining a local Gojukai club (was also looking at Aikido). Any road, one of my teaching colleagues is contemplating getting back into it (he has his black belt) which would offer me the companionship I’ve been seeking in similar pursuits. Though I’m completely off the bloody and brutal, I still have oodles of respect for the values and philosophies espoused by traditional Martial Arts. So, we’ll see how this goes.

Absinthe has been on my mind as of late. Perhaps I’ll get a bunch of friends together for some Absinthe and poetry – definitely I was born of the wrong age!

So, there we have me. My, how a blog that was intended to bring the world my thoughts on life in a direct effort to start a cult has transformed into letters to myself – a diary per se. I’m not really entirely certain as to why I publish this stuff, especially since so few folks read it. Perhaps it’s simply my way of offering comfort to everyone else out there on a journey with no specific course plotted – you’re not alone.

Viva la revolucion!

Nearer my G(g)od to Me


Given my recent soul searching, my wife encouraged me to re-visit the Belief-o-matic at http://beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html . This really is a nifty site. You answer a series of questions and then it lists what world religions closest correspond to your belief system. This appeared a few months back here on my blog – interesting to notice the changes. The Buddhism and eastern religions like Taoism really resonate me, causing me to see something valid in my results. Have a boo and see what g(G)od’s for you… perhaps write a Haiku….

1.
Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2.
Mahayana Buddhism (93%)
3.
Theravada Buddhism (93%)
4.
Liberal Quakers (91%)
5.
Neo-Pagan (91%)
6.
New Age (83%)
7.
Taoism (81%)
8.
Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (80%)
9.
Sikhism (73%)
10.
Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (72%)
11.
New Thought (72%)
12.
Bahá'í Faith (71%)
13.
Scientology (68%)
14.
Hinduism (65%)
15.
Jainism (63%)
16.
Reform Judaism (62%)
17.
Secular Humanism (62%)
18.
Orthodox Quaker (56%)
19.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (42%)
20.
Nontheist (34%)
21.
Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (33%)
22.
Orthodox Judaism (33%)
23.
Islam (24%)
24.
Seventh Day Adventist (21%)
25.
Eastern Orthodox (19%)
26.
Roman Catholic (19%)
27.
Jehovah's Witness (19%)

Exhuming Ayn Rand


People like George W. Bush and politicians in general serve as poster children for the fact that the proverbial cream does not rise to the top in our world. The older I become, the more I see evidence of incompetent people rising in the ranks of society, corporations and organisations. This completely bursts the values upon which we are raised in that hard work and achievement will pay off in the long run. Ayn Rand must be rolling over in her grave… and “who is John Galt?”

Let’s look at the example of George W. Honestly, of the 300 plus million people living in the United States, is he truly the best to lead? Rhetorical question. The real question is where are those who truly are worthy of such power and position? The fact is, the worthy in most organisations never rise out of the front line. There are a number of factors working in tandem that create this anti-social Darwinism. First and foremost are the factors of wealth, nepotism and who you know. What you know is immaterial. That does not mean that there aren’t any intelligent people who act on such opportunities, but rather that there are many incompetent people who also reap the benefits of their connections.

Next, there is the penis envy factor. Quite simply, people do not wish to promote those who make show them up. “Superiors” want to remain feeling as such, quick to observe if another’s talents might eclipse their own. In this regard, there is a perversion of our concepts pertaining to capitalism’s competitive tenets.

Most superiors are really looking for “yes men and women”. Let’s face it: most of the time that we ask for constructive criticism we find it difficult to accept the negative. It stings, especially when you think what you’ve done is outstanding. As much as we may make ourselves appear to shy away from the “good dog” pat on the head, it’s what we want to hear. Many outstanding people tend to be outspoken and thus are viewed as a threat – hence the reason they are repressed in the lower ranks and on the front lines. I have known so many outstanding individuals over the years, many of whom have locked horns with their managers, and have never really made any career progress.

I must admit, though perhaps somewhat vainly, that I include myself as someone who has a fair amount of insight, ideas and creative concepts. I am in now way a genius, but I am also not a one dimensional paper cut-out of a clone. I hold two degrees, speak five languages to various degrees, have traveled the world and have played sport at the international level. In spite of this, there were long periods in my life where I was unemployed. I could not get a job teaching with the local school board, in spite of the fact that I had two job offers in my practicum year. That lead me down the path to where I spent nearly half a decade working as a prison guard. At the end of the day, I am a firm believer that those employers who took the time to read my resumes thought either I was lying or were intimidated as I rarely got any interviews ( though I did get job offers on roughly 90% of the interviews I did have, hence me finally teaching in the local public system).

In any case, I am not here to make belated comments on how long it took me to break in to a teaching career. What I do want to say is that the Education Department where I did my degree, the Correctional Service and school boards in general all appear to be headed up by bureaucrats who are on the verge of incompetence. They are ideologues who are so detached from the front lines that it is beyond ridiculous and there is a general complacency amongst the masses that allow them to continue to produce their tripe with minimal accountability. I’m talking about the managers and law makers who have given murderers and rapists more rights than their victims. These are the same bunch who wouldn’t let Correctional Officers wear handcuffs and stab resistant vests because they were “intimidating and did not foster a trusting relationship with inmates”. I’m talking about the University courses on Assessment that state class sizes should be small and never use multiple choice exams as they don’t allow students to show what they really know, while the Assessment course itself is in a lecture hall of 300 students and bases grades on two multiple choice exams. I’m talking about school boards who become blinded by research and implement a multitude of new concepts with no additional funding or modification to class sizes. If you question any of those heading up policies, you get more rhetoric as they let you know who is running the show – shit rolls downhill, don’t you know Sisyphus?!

I’m tired of the trenches, but know that I could never keep my mouth shut long enough to advance in the ranks of my profession. Nor do I care to in many regards as one would still be surrounded by idiots. Perhaps I’ll exhume Ayn and see if I can’t find a valley somewhere in which to start a colony of utilitarian perfection – anyone want to come?

Dust In the Wind


We hold such inflated and subjective views on the value of human life. In the mere seconds that these first words have been written, multitudes of people have died and been born. In spite of this, we soldier on, invincible, until death affects our lives directly. This spawns our thoughts of purpose and raison d’etre – of some consequence of being greater than the material world. No matter our religious faith – a direct result of this manner of thinking – we are oblivious to the death all around us, whether it is animals being slaughtered for food or a mouse with its tiny neck snapped inside of a trap’s jaws; keeping record only of those of our own kind killed. News reports the deaths of humans elsewhere as a statistic, up close as an in-depth story on the local news station with a name and bit of how one group of individuals may have been impacted by the event. It’s not until death touches our lives directly or threatens to be imminent that we truly begin to look at the big picture and find value in what’s to become.

Are we really of any consequence in this world? I am speaking of the larger picture. Certainly, while alive, we affect others and experience our own sensationalised perception of life. Long after our lives have ended, our works may continue to live on, making one possibly argue that our life does have meaning. This is true, so long as other life continues. If an asteroid were to impact our tiny blue planet, killing everything upon it, our legacy would no longer offer its fruits. As I believe religion to have been contrived to create order and control us with the necessary laws to exist as societies, there is, in my mind, nothing beyond the ashes we will all one day become. Likewise, though things will be different with each of our passing, things will still carry on. For example, in spite of the genocides carried out throughout history, we still live our day to day lives, hopefully wiser to those who might run rampant with usurped power and fear mongering.

I believe we delude ourselves with importance. Life ends and that’s natures way of showing that we are expendable; each of us turning to dust in our graves being no different that the leaves of each Autumn composing in the earth. We too carry on in the ecosystem –this is our only true afterlife, just as all things rot and thus make food for new things to grow. Sadly, religions, save the Wicca’s and other Pagans, have taken us away from this, placing us on top of and outside the food chain as the earth’s keeper, created in the image of a god. Surely any species capable of conceiving the abstract notion of G(g)od would paint themselves as being the closest living thing to that particular deities form (okay, the Hindus have a spin on this idea). I think, for many, to feel that our life really has little meaning would be traumatic, possibly even being drawn to suicide. For me, it is a relief. It is a relief to accept that I am simply an organic part of the big picture whose existence may experience the beauty and wonder that is our world and be comforted that an end to my life will, as memories die, become a form of nothingness and thus have sought a paradise free of pain and suffering. Sounds a bit like a Christian’s view of Heaven. Likewise, I will not feel the necessity to cling to my last breath if terminally ill. Life is about pleasurable stimulus, enriching who you are and contribution positively to the harmony of those around you. One does not wish to live in suffering, and therefore should not perpetuate such suffering on others. Material possessions mean nothing – our brief time should be one of passions pursued, music, art, literature, family, friends and seeking peace and enjoyment through the natural world by doing our darnedest to integrate with it. Fight injustice and for the environment, but accept that we are all to be dust one day, thus ending all well. In doing so, we will all find inner peace.

Life Observed


Yesterday I met up with a friend at a local café who I hadn’t seen in nearly twelve years. We are both 38 now, so it’s interesting to see someone after such a long period whose mental image is one frozen in their mid twenties. That being said, she looked fantastic and had hardly changed. More interesting is how one feels that they can pick up from where we left off without the slightest sensation of discomfort. I have a few friends like this whom I might only see every couple of years, yet there remains a closeness forged in our youth. I think that defines a true friend. In any event, she lives in the same city as I now and I hope that she will become a bigger part of our lives.

In an hour or so I’m heading over to visit another friend who had prostate cancer surgery a short time ago. When we were setting things up over the phone last night, he shared with me that the seriousness and extent was larger than previously thought, but he’s taking it in stride. The whole thing makes me sick with worry, not to mention angry as hell. Here we have a man ten years older than I, former triathlete and still very physically active, non-smoker, etc. and he has to endure this. Fairness is a human invention, so lamenting that life is not fair is a waste of time. It’s just frustrating to see someone doing what appears to be all the right things and getting sick, while you look at others who abuse their bodies silly and are old folk – look at Mick Jagger or Iggy Pop for starters. I know that I’m redundant in saying this, but carpe diem!

The Lowest of the Low really hit the nail on the head: “The chance is just as fat/ as a union bureaucrat/ that the life you wanna live/ ain’t the one you’re lookin’ at”.

As for me, I’ve still not made any choices as to what paths I’m going to pursue. Still thinking about packing in Boxing, but, then again, I’m thinking about sticking it out until Spring for fitness purposes, then having a go with a local Gaelic Football club. I’ve always wanted to play Gaelic Football, and, after watching highlights on the Internet of the International Rules series going on right now between the best Irish Gaelic Footballers and top Australian Aussie Rules players. As my years advance, the odds of ever fulfilling these ambitions diminish – my knees are shot and my shoulders aren’t in their best condition.

I have made some inquiries pertaining to classical guitar lessons with the local Classical Guitar Society. I must say I’m more keen on playing traditional Celtic music, but feel going the classical route will provide the necessary foundation for this. I can play basic chords and have a fairly broad folk repertoire, though my singing is better left in the shower. My biggest obstacle would be learning to read music and finding the time to practise. We shall see how this particular avenue develops.

Rock Climbing is another sport that I would like to take up. I tried it once a few years ago when at a retreat with my literacy students a few years back. There is a local rock gym, and I think if I could bring my wife and wee one on board, it would be quite a positive family bonding experience. The cost is probably our biggest obstacle, especially if we elect to bridge out from climbing walls and into the Rockies – a mere three hours away.

Life is so bloody short. I am amazed at some of the things that folks get pre-occupied with on this very brief journey. I’ve learned two things through the two friends mentioned earlier on in this missive: (1) live every day as if it’s your last and (2) friends are the most important thing in life. Material possessions mean sweet fuck all. Life is all about what you experience – emotions, people, memories. To quote William Shatner off his “Has Been” cd a couple years back: “Live life/ like you’re gonna die/…because you’re gonna”.