Masochistic Perceptions, Trials and Truths

These are my cyberfied cerebral synapses ricocheting off reality as I perceive it: thoughts, opinions, passions, rants, art and poetry...

Friday, September 25, 2009


Happy Birthday Guinness!


Today, which is my 40 and 3/4 Birthday (just three months from Xmas), is the 250th birthday of my favourite bevy. Yes, the great Irish stout, Guinness, turns 250 years old on this day! So, it is only fitting that I compose a wee dedication to this wonderful stuff! Thus, my "Ode to Guinness" haiku!


An Ode to Guinness


glass filled ebony
head, yellow cream, silky gold
friends sharing darkness



Wednesday, September 09, 2009

A Visit to the Belief-O-Matic

I've not been to the Belief-O-Matic site in a while ( http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx ). I decide to revisit and do the quiz today as I've been doing a large amount of spiritual digging and reflection over the past three months or so. I'd recommend that any of you interested in spirituality have a go. The results can lead you to explore new directions that you didn't know existed, or may suggest why you feel content or unhappy on your present spiritual path.

Anyway, here's my latest results (and if you click on the religions, they will link you to a page that gives you the basics of what they believe and how they do their thing):

1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Mahayana Buddhism (95%)
3. New Age (91%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (91%)
5. Hinduism (83%)
6. Liberal Quakers (76%)
7. Theravada Buddhism (73%)
8. Jainism (72%)
9. Sikhism (69%)
10. Taoism (65%)
11. Scientology (63%)
12. New Thought (63%)
13. Baha'i Faith (55%)
14. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (54%)
15. Reform Judaism (53%)
16. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (53%)
17. Secular Humanism (50%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (45%)
19. Orthodox Judaism (44%)
20. Islam (39%)
21. Nontheist (30%)
22. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (25%)
23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (22%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (21%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (18%)
26. Roman Catholic (18%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (16%)

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Monday, September 07, 2009


View From Meditation Room

Chickadee dancing
red berries, branch flutters crisp
Autumn's feathered breath


This is a Haiku written upon completing my Yoga and Meditation practice, as I gazed out of the window, enjoying the last of our Summer's garden.

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Sunday, September 06, 2009

Climbing the Walls Over Altering My Fitness Regime


I've been going to the same gym now for a decade - the Commonwealth Stadium Fitness Centre. It was a great facility with all state of the art equipment (they had to keep it good as it is also where the Edmonton Eskimos players workout). It was close to my house and the school where I teach, and the rates were awesome, especially because they had a discount for teachers with Edmonton Public Schools. It will be even better... but not until 2012. Sadly, my gym closed August 31st for renovations, hence my usage of past tense.

This has left me at a bit of a crossroads as far as maintaining my girlish figure and sanity goes. In the Summertime, I'm usually doing lots of mountain biking, kayaking and running, on top of my usual Yoga and whatnot, so I'd only get to the gym once a week - twice at best. But as the cooler weather is upon us and the ungodly frigid weather of the Canadian Winter will soon follow, I need to seek an indoor refuge in which to sweat, work off my frustrations and encourage my endorphins to release.

In a way, I am happy this change is occurring in my life as it allows me - forces me - to start off something fresh and new. I am contemplating taking what would have gone toward my fitness centre fees and putting them toward an annual membership at the rock climbing gym I go to each Friday. I would get my money's worth (over punch cards) if I could get myself to go there twice per week on a consistent basis. The only thing is, this will require discipline as the rock gym is a bit farther away from my home and work, and when the snow is flying, it's -35c and the roads are crap, compelling one's self to venture out is often a exacerbating undertaking! But I do love to climb. It provides me with a physical and intellectual challenge, and gives you the odd rush.

Then there's making more outings to various Yoga studios as opposed to sticking to my main home practice. In fact, I'm off to a Yin Yoga class later this afternoon in an attempt to break out of my recent funk. The only thing is cost (and motivating self to go out in the cold Canadian Winter nights, though there are a couple of studios very close to where I live), as drop in classes do add up and disposable income is tight.

I've also been looking at Kettle-bells. Perhaps I could invest in one or two of these and have a home workout routine. The only thing is that going out for exercise is free of the distractions from hope and a necessary change of scenery from home and work.

Lastly, there is one of those meat market type gyms close to my house, but that really isn't my scene.

So, these are my promulgations on the subject. I need to have something in place, not just because of the obvious benefits of maintaining health and releasing stress, but for me, I constantly live in the shadow of my youth where I was obese and I am petrified that if I'm not working out like a mad man, then I will revert back to being overweight. I am addicted to exercise. My body type is prone to being on the larger side (it's my German farmer and woodsman genes), and, obviously with age, the metabolism slows down. There is also the pride issue in that it tickles me that I am fitter pushing 41 than most men half my age are.

So, we shall see what plan evolves...

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Saturday, September 05, 2009

Messed


I have battled with insomnia, anxiety, depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for most of my life, though nothing was diagnosed officially until around the year 2000. Since then I have been treating my condition with anti-depressant medications, therapy and a regular Yoga and meditation practice. Despite these things, I continue to be affected by the waves associated with such psychological tumult, though for certain the seas have been calmer to what they were years ago.

Perhaps the most difficult and lowest point in this battle came during my first year back at teaching in 2006, after having spent half a decade working as a Correctional Officer in a maximum security prison. I was feeling suicidal (though I had had dark thoughts of self-harm in the years prior to this, they were fleeting at their worst and never a truly intentioned idealizations) for a couple of months and hit an all time emotional/psychological low. I believe that this was triggered by my removal from the intensity of my prison work, where I had witnessed some pretty terrible stuff (murders, assaults, colleagues taken hostage), and experienced more than my share of action (riots, being assaulted, uses of force) on top of the 'normal' day to day tensions of walking in the midst of maximum security inmates. This of course was all piggy backed on my childhood where I was beaten and psychologically abused regularly by my Mother (and included one Christmas when a drunk uncle took it upon himself to hold a loaded shot-gun to my head), the victim of bullying by my peers as I was a bit husky and terrible at sports, and a general angst that was embedded in many members of Generation X.

Since my lowest point in 2006, I have found myself growing stronger, but far from feeling 'good' on a continuous basis. Of course one battles with the stigma of the whole mental health thing, being on meds and whatnot, but, on the other hand, I have never been one to conceal such things or to live in a proverbial closet.

I have felt myself going to a low over this past month or so, but I am dealing with it the best that I can, and am confident that I will "tame my Gremilins" once more. In fact, I know that I am incredibly strong and resilient as a direct result of my experiences that, while still feeling, I am able to detach myself somewhat from the experience in that I can see beyond the immediate sense of foreboding and emotional pain.

That takes me to the reasons that I am writing this post: (a) it's partly therapy for myself and a reinforcement that I shall overcome and (b) to offer some insight to others who might be affected by a similar condition or set of circumstances.

I think many of us are messed up, but simply don't realise it. I've always been an academic and in my head (as most of my blog entries will provide evidence to this statement of fact), and this is often a two edged sword. I suppose this is why depression is so common amongst many of the world's great Artists and Academics (not that I am including myself with these people). In the words of Nietzsche: "If you gaze for long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you". Nietzsche himself, of course, went mad.

In an attempt to put an Eastern Philosophical spin on all of this, part of me is thankful for my condition. I have felt intense emotional extremes and survived them. In being afflicted, I have sought to understand my psychological state and, in doing so, have become to better know myself and believe in my strength to endure anything. In this, I have seen the black and white - the light and dark - as depicted in the Yin Yang and have endeavored to find that precarious balance. It's rather interesting to see how many Psychologists are turning to Eastern wisdom as their path for treatment...

Through all of this, Yoga and meditation have been my rock. While depression always seems to be the one that stands out with psychological distresses, most likely because of the suicide aspect often attached with it, anxiety has been the worst for me. Yoga and meditation do so much to centre one's self and, if offering only a temporary refuge from the deluge that can make one feel like their skeletal frame is being ripped out whole from one's flesh, is what truly keeps me sane. The biggest problem I find is transforming that sense of calm off the mat during the other times of day when these feelings arise. If I could master that sensation of serenity I achieve after a half hour to hour of Yoga in every moment in my life, then perhaps I would know a better peace. Being mindful and being present are things that I have learned from a number of resources, but it is a discipline that still requires significant effort on my part.

But this is where acceptance comes into play. It is a bit of a catch-22 for me as the logical and emotional do battle. The mind sees the logic, but the emotions just can't seem to habitualise it. In the end, you simply must remind yourself, no matter how great the challenge, that all emotions are temporary and will recycle themselves at random, so just ride out the storms the best that you are able. I am grateful that I have never sought relief from my condition through self destructive means (in fact I've never even tried pot, let alone seek escape through drugs, etc.), for such decisions would only make the ferocity and intensity of these feelings multiply. I do confess to washing down sleeping pills with scotch on occasion in the past, desperate for a good night's sleep which, of course, did not come. Also, I am not even remotely a violent person, which is a blessing in that the negative energies have never resulted in any self-harm or been a threat to others.

In the end, I know that 'normal' is a mythical thread that I no longer seek. I know that I posses these energies I experience, and know that I am able to transform them into light. I maintain a daily gratitude journal that forces me to seek some of that light, even when it appears that I am enveloped in darkness. In having just written this, I am already feeling better than I have in the past few weeks, but accept that these feelings too are only temporary.

So, in closing, it is my hopes that in sharing as I have that you, my reader, take what is here with a grain of salt. Perhaps you think I've shared too much and that I'm a freak, or, perhaps you have found some comfort or verification that we all have our fair share of shit to plod through and that's okay. Whatever the case may be, things are what they are for each of us, and that is all that really matters. We take what we will, just as we give what we will. That is the cycle of life. In the lyrics of X's "The World's A Mess (It's In My Kiss)":

No one is united/ all things are untied/ perhaps we're boiling over inside/ they've been telling lies/ who's been telling lies?/ there are no angels/ there are devils in many ways/ take it like a man/ the world's a mess it's in my kiss/ you can't take it back/ pull it out/ of the fire/ pull it out/ in the bottom of the ninth/ pull it out/ in chords of red-disease/ drag on the system/ drag on my head and body/ there are some facts here/ that refuse to escape/ i could say it stronger/ but it's too much trouble/ i was wondering down at the bricks/ hectic, isn't it?/ down we go/ cradle and all/ the world's a mess it's in my kiss/

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My latest Letter to the Editor of The Edmonton Journal


The front page of Saturday's Edmonton Journal summed up the obscenity of financial management in the province of Alberta. The main headline is about the Katz Group and Northlands contending for the $1 billion prize of managing the new $450 million dollar downtown arena; an arena that will largely be funded by taxpayers. On the bottom of the front page, an article titled "Education cuts could mean bigger classes" states that Minister Hancock may be insisting on cuts deeper than the $44 million asked for already, with rumours indicating cuts will actually total hundreds of millions of dollars.

$1.3 million dollar severance package funded by tax payers for a Healthcare bureaucrat who was employed for nine months amidst a healthcare crisis, energy deregulation that is allowing energy corporations collect absurd service fees, 20% + pay raises for MLAs...

I am truly left speechless by this.

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Tuesday, September 01, 2009

An Article That I Found Interesting on Selfishness


There was an article that caught my eye, written by Scott McKeen in yesterday's paper where he reviews the ideas represented in a new book by David Picone. It certainly makes one think and causes us to examine our relationships within our world. It echoes Ayn Rand's "The Virtue of Selfishness" which I read many moons ago. While I believe in community, there are elements of self that need to be addressed. The difficulty is understanding where we should draw the line in terms of our service to self and service to our employers, country, religion, etc. What is the 'gluttonous' or 'self-serving self' versus the 'freedom of the individual' or 'survival-self'? In the end, to what extent are we our brother's keeper and what do we owe to society? How much are we truly part of society, and how much are we really alone?

Have a read and and have a good think on it! I'd be interested to hear your reflections!


Monstrous Me-First rule says being 'good' is bad

by Scott McKeen

Published August 31st, 2009 in The Edmonton Journal


Yes, life is difficult.

In tough economic times, even more difficult.

If Dr. David Picone is right, when the going gets tough, the tough get selfish. Picone advocates a survival strategy for today that puts the self over community, self over church and self over state.

It's the Me-First theory of personal happiness. And you're thinking: Isn't society's obsession with individuality already pathological?

But Picone has a point--at least to a point. He and John Hunt, both Americans, just released a book, Feeding Your Inner Monster: Tough Mind For Tough Times.

According to Picone, we are bombarded with messages from government, industry and church to be "good" people.

We're supposed to be good consumers -- please shop during a recession -- loyal employees and moral, patriotic citizens. Feelings of anger, lust or pride are repressed, instead of being seen as normal, even useful aspects of our psychological makeup.

The problem, according to Picone, comes when we subscribe to definitions of loyalty, morality or "good" that serve institutions more than us as individuals.

Picone said government actions after the 9/11 terror attacks are a good case in point. Americans raised little fuss as their government eroded civil liberties, to "fight" terrorism.

To question the government was to be perceived as bad, if not make you an outright enemy of the state. But that kind of social pressure allowed the world's greatest democracy to descend into torture.

Workplaces, too, can create a culture of subservience, on purpose or unwittingly. Follow the employee manual. Dress accordingly. Do the work this way and this way only.

Picone's message? Think for yourself. Be selfish in expressing your own views and putting your interests ahead of some prescribed standard or ideal.

But be careful. It's one thing to question the actions of institutions, be they government or corporate.

It's another thing entirely to tell the boss he's out to lunch. That might get you unemployed.

I'm also leery of how Picone's message might affect people who are already unemployed, or down and out in desperate times.

"What we're trying to say in the book is you need to pull for yourself and gather your inner strength," Picone told me in an interview.

"You need to grow independently and be able to stand on your own two feet without the need of others."

But what if the person has slipped into a dark depression? Or if they've turned to drugs, alcohol or some other addiction to fight their despair?

Strictly speaking, Picone is right in saying the only one who can save you, is you. As noted psychologist Nathaniel Branden puts it: No one is coming.

In other words, the hard work of finding a new job, beating an addiction, or overcoming loneliness begins with individual effort.

Often, the first courageous act of self preservation is to reach out for help. Seeking help is active, not passive. It is powerful, not powerless.

Picone goes further, saying we must tap into our dark side, or inner monster, to find our power. Nothing wrong with a little anger or self pride, he says, to get us motivated.

It will come as no surprise to hear that Picone is no fan of the self-help movement. But to be blunt, his is just another self-help book.

My problem with Picone's message is its placement of individual over everything else. Selfishness can quickly lead self absorption, self pity and bitterness.

Always focusing on a personal angle is guaranteed to fail. Other people and institutions simply won't always do what we want them to do.

However, if we try to focus more on the needs of our community--if we sacrifice time in service to others --we become less self-conscious and less demanding of life.

If we accept people and institutions --and ourselves -- as flawed, we tend to be calmer and happier.

It's a fine balance.

Selfish is great, if it means questioning societal beliefs and government decisions. If it means developing our own set of values.

But being overly selfish can lead to greed, loneliness and one hell of an unhappy life.

We need to think for ourselves. But at the same time, get over ourselves.

Both require action and a sense of personal power. But there is power in good, too. It can even defeat monsters.

smckeen@thejournal.canwest.com

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