Masochistic Perceptions, Trials and Truths

These are my cyberfied cerebral synapses ricocheting off reality as I perceive it: thoughts, opinions, passions, rants, art and poetry...

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Last Post for 2009


As the final day of 2009 is over half done here in my part of Canada, I find myself being a little more reflective than I would like. Normally, my intention is to snub the ideas around New Years Resolutions and whatnot as I find that should we break them, many feel down and as if they need to wait for the following year to find the inspiration to try again. The dawn and end of every day, in my opinion, represent the most desirable times for reflection, introspection and goal setting. As long as we continue to live, we have the power to create change, abandon the negative and affect the positive.

However, despite my ideals, I find myself looking back and forward on this day, much more so than I normally would. Perhaps this is due to the recent stroke suffered just before Christmas by my Mother-in-law, and, as a result, my wife has gone over to England to see her. Many things come from this - a sense of mortality. To emphasize this point, on Tuesday I had received a letter from my Father-in-law about our plans for all of us to meet up in San Diego this summer. The letter was dated December 15th, and his wife suffered the stroke on the 18th. In a mere three days, lives were irreversibly altered - just like that!

My wife being away and etching further into my fourth decade, turning 41 on Christmas Day also adds to my thoughts.

Life is a strange road. I know that I need to slow down and take more in as both my cerebral and physical intensity are becoming more detrimental than beneficial to my health. I say I know this, but must also acknowledge that this is my nature and probably will be what kills me in the end. It's served me both in a positive and negative manner throughout my life, and, ultimately, is a mainstay of my being. Perhaps it's a bit odd to make a resolution to be less active! I suppose that's not an entirely accurate statement as, in reality, I need to reorganise my activities and alter the intensity somewhat in a physical sense. The cerebral intensity is my true demon and to have a less active mind might actually see me get a good night's sleep and lessen the daily anxiety that I try to drive away through physical intensity. Having an established Yoga and Meditation practice, I know that I need to enhance this by going out to more classes as opposed to just maintaining the work that I do at home, and focus on longer meditation periods. I will gain my physical solace from Rock Climbing and Mountain Biking, and give up the more harmful weight training and running which has taken its toll on my joints. Ultimately, making a greater impact with less impact!

So, with this, I bid all my readers (yes both of you) the very best in 2010 and hope that your dreams for each day come true!

Cheers!

Friday, December 25, 2009


Christmas Day Thoughts


It's a beautiful Christmas day with a clear blue sky illuminating the white snow that covers this city. Christmas is a fairly reflective time for me as it is also my birthday. Today I turned 41. It's hard to grasp being in my forties, but I suppose one should not put too much of an emphasis on chronological age and focus more on how I feel. I must say, while the aches and pains + recovery time are slowly becoming problematic, I'm still in pretty good condition, given a life that's leaned to the rough and tumble of Rugby, Martial Arts, Hockey, etc. No complaints in the end, and I gain great pleasure that the intensity in which I undertake most of my activities keeps those a decade younger than I trying to catch up! Slowly, however, I'm begining to recognise that horizon of having to slow down, and that scares me.

Changes can happen so suddenly in one's life. Unfortunately this Christmas is a fairly sad one in our home as my wife's Mother had a stroke this past Friday. She seems to be doing well as can be expected at this point, but it is a lot for her and her family to come to grips with. My wife is holding together pretty well, and will be flying back to England on Monday for a week and a bit to see her Mom. It will be difficult for her, to say the least - seeing her Mother in this state, and having to return to Canada afterward.

In the end, each day is a gift that we must live to the max. The Buddha taught that we must accept illness and aging as simple truth that we are unable to escape in this life. Bearing that in mind, I ask that you all carry this sense of joy, hope and peace into 2010, well beyond the boundaries of the Holiday season. Love, live sensually and fully, and treat each sunrise as another day full of potential. Be in the moment and remember that if it feels good, then it probably is.

Om Shanti

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Old Spinning Ball

I really don't think
I could believe in a God
who made up this world
that's so bloody odd
where brother kills brother
and Mother kills son
those who take power
by pointing a gun

told to have faith
so that it might ease
the heartbreak of people
and of children's disease
this whole spinning ball
in the palm of His hand
and notions that it's all
been put here for man

Now with this ball
life's become a toy
place in the hands
of brash girls and boys
sure the message of "love"
is stated strong
so where in the hell
did it all go so wrong?

I don't deny spirit
nor the divine
but I reject the premise
of any dogmatic line
for there is something special
that flows from the heart
and of this whole
we all are a part

Nature seems harsh,
but Nature's the rule
yet still we're all pissing
in our part of the pool
excuse the bad manners
'til the judgment is done
and only in death
will the promised peace come

dogmatic reason
stems from blind leading truths
indoctrinated on paths
so early in our youths
no questions queried
by Kingdom come
and by the Word
will Thine work be done

no, I really don't think
I could believe in a God
who made up this world
and gave us the job
though there are many
who in Him do trust
we're all bound to ashes
and already dust

but that dust is the base
of the landscape around
it's into everything
as this old ball spins around
no more excuses
for the sins that we've done
the answer for peace
lies inside everyone

the answer for peace
lies inside everyone.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

My Latest Letter to the Edmonton Journal Pertaining to the Proposal of Building a New Downtown Hockey Arena for the Oilers Using Public Funds


I love indoor Rock Climbing. I would love to open a new facility in north-east Edmonton, but I simply can not afford to do so. It's a shame as there is a large climbing community in Edmonton that would benefit from a new facility. If I offered to run the operation, would taxpayers and the government be willing to fund my endeavor? Methinks no.

Enter this whole downtown arena issue. A sports franchise that pays it's members millions, is owned by a billionaire and is only accessible live to the affluent members of society, wants tax payer support to build a new, bigger facility that will earn them greater profits and, as a plausible residual affect, re-vitalize downtown. Why would we, the public, even consider entertaining such an obtuse request, given the greater needs of this fair city?

The Oilers are an important organisation for many Edmontonians, but that passion is based on our national identity of being hockey loving people. You either love your team and the game or you don't. If Katz wants an arena, let him pay for it and recoup the costs from those who support the franchise and businesses that wish to sponsor it. I am incredibly frustrated with tax dollars going to bail out things like hockey clubs, Indy Car racing, etc. When my friend's video store could no longer sustain itself a couple of years ago because of the declining rental industry, he had to take the hit with no taxpayer's assistance. It's time we truly make the distinction of private funding for private industry and public funding for public industry. If the Oilers were accessible to the public like Art galleries, libraries, bike paths, roads, parks and swimming pools, or provided emergency services like EPS, EMS and the Fire Department, this may not be such an issue (though few employees in any of these industries make millions each year). As it stands, the Oilers simply strike me as greedy, spoiled children with little sense of life's priorities.

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Tuesday, December 08, 2009

To the End of the World


My flat-cap snugged down upon my head
wind washed cheeks, crackling footfall tread
a tune in my heart, watching dreams unfurl
making my way to the end of the world

Green spaces glisten from tender wept tears
pure in their intentions, iridescent spheres
far beyond me, far beyond home
carried within, wherever I roam

No time to fret nor to regret
or worry for what's not happened yet
not given a thought to where it all leads
though often confused, the wants and the needs

My scarf snugged squarely around my neck
all those moments that my mind wants to protect
a song in my heart, watching dreams unfurl
making my way to the end of the world

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Cerebral Brooding


I've always been a fan of film noir and old television shows, though it's rare that I ever watch television these days. The images on the screen were those that I was exposed to during my formative years, and largely shaped the vision of the world that forms the basis of my present day percetptions, regardless of the diverse notions that make my mind the patchwork piece that it has become. What it all boils down to is that I am approaching 41 years old in a couple of weeks and still do not have a clue about my life - where it's leading, how to live it, what it is, a raison d'etre, etc. I certainly do not believe that mine is a typical existence, neither is it extrordinary or special. It simply is of a wider divergence from the status quo than those also seeking that ever elusive sense of normalcy. I have always found myself an idealist, hovering around the fringe of society in terms of my worldviews. Some of this has been rather rewarding, but much of it has also left me feeling savagely disappointed, unfulfilled and facing the harshness of depression and anxiety attacks.

In the present, I find myself living in the suburbs of the lower middleclass, married going on 14 years with a 7 year old daughter. I have a career as a teacher with the local public system and am reasonibly good at my job. All of these things, if we were to use the film noir and old telly shows as a benchmark, should see me happily settled in life. Contented. But then there is the part of my character that shatters this vision - that of someone who reads intensely and is influenced by the authors and eras of yesterday where life seemed to be a much harsher struggle, but largely more substantial. In the present, time seems occupied by things simply for the sake of having these things to do, as opposed to undertaking them for something more gratifying. There seems to be little in the way of socialisation and substance as we leap like a murder of crows upon a world full of shiny but insubstantial things and conversation snared in small talk. We live according to wants that have digressed beyond any form of sentimentality (and I am a romantic, partial to the organic nature that can exist between people).

I don't think that I ever departed from the mindset that became who I was in my early and mid twenties. I still think and live youthfully (though, perhaps now such a manner of thinking would be construed more as immature), though perhaps my position should warn me off such behaviours, and my body certainly screams for me to slam on the brakes at times! Yet, how else am I to think, other than the way I do? Again, life does not prepare one answers for such conundrums, and it beseeches me as to whether or not it is common for one to make such suppositions to themselves.

Life is a mystery, and as the frigid dark days of the Canadian winter are upon me, I often find myself brooding in this darkness, my heart in hibernation leaving me open to the gremlins of my despair. Perhaps it is the number 41 looming 19 days from now that have me snared in such reflection, and Christmas, which is also the pinnacle of my ideal's worst hour... I simply don't know.