On the Lighter Side of Things…


Reflecting upon my last few Blog entries, I have observed that my missives have been of a rather intense nature. This intensity/passion is most certainly a big part of who I am. Folks who know me, however, probably see me as being more of a clown (not of the Heinrich Böll variety) as opposed to my cyber persona of a cerebral masochist who paces introspectively back and forth across the well-worn tegument of his utilitarian hovel, wondering how to drag the world along with my iconoclastic and revolutionary ambitions.

My first instinct was to become introspective about my intensity levels as of late. Next, I considered delving into a silly post like “Real-E XXX-Posé” where I’d confess to things about myself like not knowing, until a very late age, that the Village People were gay (I always fought with a friend of mine over who would be Fillipe the Indian), my closet love of Abba and Coronation Street, or simply re-visit my Roller Girls fetish. Nah. So then I thought I’d write a subliminal post intended, very covertly, to visit my other Blog where I published my novella (see links bar to the right), and see if someone out there would actually take the time to read it. But that would be cheap and no one is truly great until they are dead in the world of Art and Letters.

Then I received this email from a friend of a rather interesting cat photo. You see, I have a cat named Montgomery, who is a bit of a legacy. ‘Gomey’ is pushing eleven, and has been known to most by his nickname (no pun intended) of ‘Satan’. Gomey has issues. He’s just over 20 lbs (all lean too) and hates absolutely everyone excepting my wife, daughter and I. I’m not talking being aloof, I’m talking stalk and go for the kill (and he doesn’t back down). Perhaps Gomey is the necessary Yin to the Yang of our two 70 lb+ dogs, Saša (Golden Retriever) and Kaya (part German Shepherd/Border Collie) who think that they are lap dogs and make most attention seekers seem shy. So, in a nutshell, Gomey makes Woland’s companion cat in Bulgakov’s Master and Margarita look like a real pussy.

So, for all you cat lovers out there, and those of you simply seeking a chuckle, here is a wee jab at one of nature’s most majestic and proud critters!

...Below are a couple of photo's of the characters in my personal microcosmic Animal Farm....

Armed Only with a Knife

It was only last year that Correctional Officers in Canada won the right to wear stab/slash resistant vests. Up until this recent ruling, Officers were punished for wearing vests because they, along with handcuffs, were deemed "intimidating" and "didn't foster a trusting relationship with Offenders", even though we find homemade puncture and slashing weapons on a regular basis inside our prisons. The following photographs are harsh and graphic, taken of a Peace Officer in the U.S. who was assaulted by someone armed "only with a knife". This is the reality Officers, both Police and Correctional, face in their jobs...

Idealism


Many of my fondest memories exist in the years of my late teens through mid twenties. Permeating everything back then was a strong sense of idealism as I played in a few punk rock bands, lived and backpacked around Europe, attended house parties where we would do these communal cook-outs while drinking copious amounts of wine, marches for nuclear disarmament, etc. Those days remind my of two quotes from G.B. Shaw. The first: “It’s all the young can do for the old, to shock them and keep them up to date”, and the second: “Reminiscences make one feel so deliciously aged and sad.”

Losing much of one’s idealism often does come by gaining a more thorough knowledge of things through life experiences. I suppose that’s why so many academics remain well spoken idealists as they have concealed themselves to monastic lives inside the halls of higher learning, rarely venturing beyond the books to which they contribute. I admire this in as much as I can admire someone who believes in religion – it is a perception mixed with beauty and sadness. When I finally opted to forego a return to teaching and remain a Correctional Officer, a good part of the reason why was that I wanted to do things as opposed to teaching others about the great things others have done (again, quoting Shaw: “Those who can do, those who can not teach.”).

I always thought that there was a magic in retaining a sense of idealism until I began working as a Correctional Officer in a federal maximum security prison. In Canada, any sentence of two or more years is served in a federal institution. The mantra of the Service is rehabilitation as it promotes the idea that everyone can be a law abiding citizen. Therefore, Canadian prisons pride themselves on being humane and claim only to take away an Offender’s rights of mobility. After a short time in the Service, you realise that it is like an army whose officers at the top are all people with no correctional experience and develop all the policies, then on the ground level (actually working with inmates) you have Correctional Officers who have next to no say on how things are conducted. We have had national heads of security who have never worked a day inside a prison before being given their mandate! Imagine your local paper running an ad which reads: “WANTED: General to lead combat troops on Afghan mission. University degree required. No exp. Necessary”.

I’m not making this stuff up! As an Officer we only just received the right to wear handcuffs (and we will be getting stab resistant vests in the next couple of years) which were viewed as being “detrimental to fostering a positive trusting relationships with Offenders and considered aggressive”. I work in a max and they are worried about the feelings of offenders? Some ten years ago, federal inmates were also consulted on new uniforms for guards to ensure that they weren’t too overbearing!

You see, in Canada, we want our prisons to reflect the communities that offenders will one day return to. At one time, to become an Officer, you had to pass a fitness requirement (COPAT), but, because too many people failed, it was done away with. What has really got me fired up, and thus go on this idealism rant, is that we now have a fairly large handicapped woman set to go on core training. This woman is very nice, but, due to significant leg problems, she walks like a slinky. I am not intending to be mean here, but, ultimately, the day could very well come where I am fighting for my life – literally – and this woman could be my only immediate back-up! Hundreds of Correctional Officers have been badly injured and killed in this country over the decades, and it is a possible reality that my colleagues and I face every day I step through the doors. When are we going to leave these idealistic ivory towers and get back to what is the reality of the situation? I honestly feel like screaming, as do many of my colleagues, but I realise that we are a meagre microcosm and not at the forefront of the public interest. Even the four Mounties killed in Alberta followed by the Officer killed shortly afterward in Quebec was limited in the amount of public outcry – funeral services on national TV but not a whole lot to change the root of the problem.

In my opinion, I admire the Canadian desire to see the best in people, but am discouraged by the endless limits of that compassion, especially as it appears sympathy for the Offenders supersedes that of the victims and their families. At the end of the day, we live in a democracy, but seem to refuse the obligations of becoming informed before casting votes and remaining silent.

Perhaps I’m still idealistic in that one day the people will wake up…..

A Perspective on the U.S. Invasion of Iraq


I’ve been reading Future: Tense by Gwynne Dyer recently and he presents a very interesting perspective on the U.S. led invasion of Iraq. Let me just put a disclaimer that this is my paraphrasing on Dyer’s book and I’d recommend that you read it.

In a nutshell, Dyer points out that when the Cold War ended the world was left with one superpower and the best chance in our History to move toward a one-world U.N. style of government. This created a problem for the United States in that its mighty arsenal and economic super power influence was directly related to people seeing the United States as a safe and stable economic haven for investments, supported further by the fact that the U.S. Dollar was the reserve currency utilised worldwide. The situation is as fragile as investors simply investing elsewhere, and, perhaps, moving to the Euro as the International currency of choice. Dyer describes it as such: “In mid 2004, the total amount of foreign money invested in the United States in forms that could be sold off fairly quickly was $8 trillion.” Should something like this transpire, by day two the Dollar would be worth half of its original value the day previously. Certainly we can see the Euro taking the charge as of late, threatening the Dollar. Dyer’s comments illustrate the effect the takeover of the Euro may have.

So, using Dyer’s line of thought, America did what it had been doing since the end of the Second World War through to the late 1980’s – make it appear as there is an International boogeyman out there and thus cause the Free world to come running to America the Policeman. Certainly the “Axis of Evil” tone of George W. Bush’s speeches resonate of Ronald Reagan in the early 1980’s. America has gone on to do what is described as “theatrical micro-militarism” to make it appear that the U.S.A. is shouldering the burden of defending the world from chaos.

9/11, Dyer argues, presented the springboard necessary to began the path that George Bush has taken Americans, and the world, down. Dyer states that 9/11 was an inevitable historical occurrence, but questions the existence of substantial sleeper cells waiting to claim it’s next victims. Dyer quotes the U.S.’s own figures in that “only 625 people, the vast majority of them non-American, were killed by ‘international terrorism’ in 2003, down from 726 people worldwide in 2002: about two people a day, far fewer than die from dog bites.” Judging by these stats, I think fears of an Islamic Talibanisation of the world is unlikely. Research and compare the number of murders in America versus the number of soldiers killed in Iraq for a perhaps even more alarming statistic.

Dyer continues along the lines that Kosovo, Afghanistan and Iraq are all small theories, again supporting the international police image, coupled with Cold War style rhetoric. America doesn’t need to invade places like Iraq for control of the oil as it would be cheaper to purchase it over the free market than it is to pay for a war which can not be one (the Americans can go home whereas the Iraqi’s ARE home and, like Vietnam, such wars are impossible to win). There is also a suggestion that Saddam Hussein was looking at utilising Euros as opposed to Dollars for oil sales which sparked the American war machine. This makes sense. Should Iraq, followed by the Saudi’s move toward the Euro, then it facilitates what I presented earlier.

So, where does this leave us? Dyer reasons that if the Americans pull out of Iraq in the next year or so then we can salvage the position our world was in back in 1990 when the Soviet Union collapsed. If the Americans prolong their stay in Iraq and possibly move elsewhere, then we will be in a very dangerous position.

A Meditation


The following I found to be worth meditating upon: they are the Self-Precepts and Nine Articles by the celebrated swordsman and Zen artist, Miyamoto Musashi (1584-1645) who also wrote The Book of Five Rings.

Զ Do not violate the laws of society.
Զ Do not seek comfort for your person.
Զ Do not play favourites (be free of bias).
Զ Think lightly of yourself and deeply about worldly affairs.
Զ Do not have many desires throughout your life.
Զ Have no regrets regarding personal affairs.
Զ Do not be jealous or envious of others’ affairs.
Զ Do not grieve when you have to separate yourself from something or someone.
Զ Do not begrudge yourself or others
Զ Do not think about falling in love.
Զ Do not become infatuated with physical objects.
Զ Do not wish to settle down.
Զ Do not take fine food for yourself.
Զ Do not pile up possessions.
Զ Do not overvalue the things you have.
Զ Do not become obsessed with having splendid weapons.
Զ When following the Way, do not be afraid of dying.
Զ Do not hoard money for your old age.
Զ Venerate buddhas and gods but do not rely on them.
Զ Abandon self-interest, and do not seek fame or fortune.
Զ Never separate yourself from the Way of a Warrior.

Beyond Good and Evil


Is there such a thing as good and evil, or are these qualitative statements rendered from conscience minds?

I think to address this question we must return to humankind’s animal state and ask ourselves whether or not “good” and “evil” are matters for other beings and entities. For example, what is there of these two concepts between the deer who eats the grass, the ticks that burrows under the skin of the deer and the wolf who preys on the deer? Is the aardvark who decimates an ant colony committing a heinous act or simply foraging? Are two rival packs of animals vying for dominance in a specific territory simply endeavouring to survive or committing a form of gang warfare? In all these scenarios, I believe that most of us will concur that they are acts of nature.

Enter Humankind. Our prime difference separating us from the rest of the natural world is encapsulated in Descartes statement: “I think therefore I am”. We are perhaps the only creatures on the planet that reasons our actions and views the world in terms of it’s various layers, depending on our level of consciousness. This, in our early days, lead to the development of pagan and, later, monotheistic religions as we attempted to reason our existence, give our lives purpose and to develop social rules to allow our species to prosper and live harmoniously. Without these constructs, we would live in a state described by Thomas Hobbes in Leviathan: “During the time men live without a common power to keep them all in awe, they are in that condition which is called war; and such a war as is of every man against every man.” The power to which Hobbes alludes is represented in both religion and politics. As history has also illustrated, again quoting Hobbes: “Covenants without the sword are but words and of no strength to secure man at all.” Certainly, contrast Russia pre and post 1989 and we can see how when the totalitarian grip of the Communist Party and its various minions like the KGB let go, the Russian mafia took over.

So societal peace was originally based on fear, but is now, in many parts of the world, being reasoned as we strive for social harmony. I certainly see this experiment in the prison where I work as we spend thousands annually on convicted offenders to “help them so they can live as a law abiding citizen” while largely neglecting the victims and families of their crimes. This is part of not wanting to perceive ourselves as being a barbaric or vengeful society, but rather an inclusive and reasonable one (…yes, and Communism looks great on paper, but the human implementation leaves much to be desired!).

Ultimately, as all that I have presented was being created, we needed a rubric or gage by which to create this reasoned harmonious state. First, Humankind made itself distinct from the rest of the animal kingdom, putting more value on a conscious human life over an apparently oblivious duck or porcupine, becoming to Nature what the Church, in many parts of the world, had become to the peasantry. Then we started to make things qualitative: take neighbours cow = theft and execution (later reduced over the centuries to prison time and, later, fines). Kill cow = need food thus okay. Kill neighbour = not okay because neighbour’s kin kill back then no one left to raise cows = bad. These qualitative things eventually became “good” and “evil”.

It was all going along so well until society’s consciousness developed further and we grew from caves to condominiums. Then we realised that there are nothing but layers of grey as opposed to black and white. So, what was a Commandment as simple as “thou shalt not kill”, became a plethora of reasoned arguments, complicated by individual and cultural perspectives. Just as one person’s terrorist is another’s freedom fighter, our reasoning shows that there are no pure absolutes in regards to our concepts such as “good” and “evil”. Even if one belongs to a religion, questions still remain and we just chalk it up to not being quite as wise and omniscient as
G(g)od. If there is no immortal soul, what does anything matter if one day our planet is reduced to dust? I’m not advocating that we forgo these qualitative assignments as I have no desire to return to Hobbes natural state of man, but, can’t help but observe that, oftentimes, it’s our interpretation of such qualitative things that causes us to war rather than prevent us from warring.

Unfortunately, I don’t think that we have reached the epiphanic moment that Nietzsche wrote of: the Übermenschen or Superman as the masses tend to remain more like sheep as opposed to Zarathustra. Nietzsche wrote, appropriately enough, “Morality is the herd-instinct in individuals”. I would add to this that “good” and “evil” are the necessary implements required to keep the herd together. Closing with Wittgenstein: “The solution of the problem of life is seen in the vanishing of the problem”….

Enough said!

Rebelling Taoist


Rivers of life shape one’s mind
etching their rigid gullies, patterns, canyons
gaps
like hot water poured over malleable Jell-O mound
…Lao Tse wrote never struggle against a current
river’s might will forever prevail
outlasting, never tiring
I, the spiritual nihilist,
salmon swims upstream, giving birth to more of its kind
dies – cycles back into
Sisyphus’ rolling pebbles – repeating –
remnants of iconoclast giants…
I dream of a cognitive floodplain
that would come,
washing all of this away.

Ruminations on Death


William Shatner puts it plain and simple on his “Has Been” CD released last year: “Live life, like you’re gonna die… because you’re gonna”. Death is an interesting topic on so many levels. Let’s face it, aside from birth (and arguably taxes), death is the only certainty in life. In spite of that, in Western society, we haven’t really come to grips with this notion.

Is death the end? In many religions, they’ll tell you “no” and speak of reincarnations and afterlife’s. Religion aside, I think that the balance of life and death can be clearly portrayed in terms of energy – and before you roll your eyes and think that I am getting all New Agey on you here, I am speaking of scientific energy here!

Brain activity is the result of electronic synapses. That electricity is due largely in part to the body utilising energy through nutrition and interaction with atmospheric elements. Energy exists in all things at certain levels, though often dependent on a reaction with something to cause an effect. We store energy in our muscles and we gain energy from nourishing ourselves. So, overall, imagine energy as an ocean. The ocean is broken down into little droplets of water (which is actually H20 if you want to go to the basics of each water particle – just work with the metaphor here…). These droplets combine to create anything ranging from clouds to fog to ripples to waves to steam, etc. Each creation has its moment, builds and falls, resuming to the source (ocean) and then becoming something else.

Now transfer this to one’s self. Our bodies are considerably different when comparing the 7 lb newborn to the 200 lb 30 year old to the 175 lb old man. Our body is in a constant state of life and death as cells are created and die – hair grows, nails are trimmed, teeth fall out, etc. What remains constant is the conscious mind and our memory in the minds of others. We defecate, a product of our nourishment and spending of that nutritious energy, other animals assist in the process of decay whether we’re talking flaked skin cells or eating peanuts from our poop, thus gaining and expending energy from these sources, continuing the cycle. When we finally do the “big death”, our bodies are returned to the earth and that energy is not lost, but rather broken down and re-dispersed.

So why do we fear death as it is a natural part of who and what we are? I think, in becoming abstract thinking conscious beings, that we have fallen victim to a distorted perspective that rationalises mortality. Certainly animals in the wild know fear and can sense immediate dangers. I believe that their awareness is, for example: deer smells hunter – thinks: “this bad” and goes into flight mode. Bambi doesn’t sit there and rationalise why the hunter wants to shoot him/her, feel victim or try to talk his/her way out by suggesting the Hunter check out the meat section at his local Safeway. In fact, I don’t think any critter ruminates about being dead, but, more so, the fear of the act of dying. I must concur. I honestly can say that I am totally okay with being dead. It’s the journey from where I am at to the end (point of being dead) that I fear, like being tortured by inmates in the prison where I work.

I am not trying to belittle mourning here, I must point out. Death is certainly hardest on those who are left behind in the conscious state of living. This mourning is more or less a more permanent incantation of when you met the girl of your dreams when you were 10 years old on summer vacation, never to see her again. But, and here’s where I get Buddhist/New Age on y’all, if you could just open that third eye, in spite of the sorrow, you can see that person as they are, as stated earlier, a part of that massive metaphorical ocean of which we will also (and have been all along) giving to and taking from.

To close with the words of Phillip Massinger: “Death has a thousand doors to let out life/ I shall find one”, or, better yet – “Live life like you’re gonna die – cos you’re gonna…”

Begin the Begin


I was in a rather engaging conversation last week with a colleague about the creation of the Universe and many of the sub topics that such discussion will generate. We discussed creationalist theories along with evolutionary theories. We did not come to a conclusion, other than modern knowledge is a mere three or four hundred or so years old in regards to modern science, and academic theory is less than three thousand years old – a mere blink in the overall greater view of time and its infinity of years.

As I am apt to do, I began to reflect on our exchange, asking not whether we were capable of figuring out the answer to our question, but rather would we be truly be capable of understanding the answer should we stumble upon it?

Language is an amazing thing. It isn’t just a way of communicating, but rather a depiction of cultural perceptions. Certainly if you have ever attempted to learn another tongue, you will quickly find out, as I did years ago sat down with a Greek dictionary, that it’s not a matter of plugging in a word of whatever language you are trying to speak where the English word would be. I never did take Greek lessons, but did go on to learn significant amounts of French, Spanish, German and Slovak.

There are many linguistic studies out there worth your while to read if interested, as well as studies of symbols, such as those done by the psychologist Carl Jung.

Returning to my question of understanding, take something as simple as “nothing”. Nothing in itself implies “no thing”, so how can we “have” [possess] “no thing”? This is the linguistic nightmare to which I refer. Throw this in to the creation debate, whether it is scientific or theological in nature, and ask: what was there before it all began? If you say “nothing” then refer the above comment. If you say God, then where did He/She come from? To say that God is eternal…!!!

The Taoist writer, Chuangtzū said:

“There is great beauty in the silent universe. There are manifest laws governing the four seasons without words. There is an intrinsic principle in the created things which is not expressed. The Sage looks back to the beauty of the universe and penetrates into the intrinsic principle of things. Therefore the perfect man does nothing, the great Sage takes no action. The spirit of the universe is subtle and informs all life. Things live and die and change their forms, without knowing the root from which they come. Abundantly it multiplies; eternally it stands by itself.”

This statement does not tell us which came first, the chicken or the egg, but rather that in every egg lies a chicken and in every chicken, an egg; the transformation occurs and the cycle continues. Buddhists and Taoists have a wonderful way of saying that things simply are as they are. I suppose the ultimate question (as they never give “answers”) to the creation question from a Buddhist or Taoist isn’t so much the answer to creation, but rather to ask “what does it matter?”

Thoughts anyone?

This of course opens the door to the whole detachment theory espoused by the aforementioned Eastern schools of thought, so I’ll save them for another time.

Painting: "Peonies" by Oda Kazuma

Vignette of a Youth Yesterday

Patchouli scented, cigarettes,
A Marxist manifesto
Surplus shirts and red beret
Taking on the world
Idealist iconoclasts
with the best of intentions
petitioning the peasantry
challenging convention
Tolstoy over cheap chardonnay
nighttime never ending
minimum wage and mortgage free
this is how we were…

Reflections On The Art of Peace


There have been a number of issues influencing my thoughts as of late. Amongst these things includes dealing with co-workers who seem to put themselves before all so that they can have an easy go of things, even if it is to the detriment of their colleagues. This is pretty sad, given that the environment in which we work, that being a maximum security federal penitentiary, in that at any given time your life can be in the hands of a fellow Officer.

Further to this, and what may appear at first glance as being a digressive point, my wife recently went to see Dr. David Suzuki ( http://www.davidsuzuki.org/ ) speak about the state of our world (not good), came home quite impassioned to the point of even writing (and publishing - cudos to her!) a letter to the editor in a local daily newspaper. My wife is also a big fan of Stephen Lewis ( http://www.stephenlewisfoundation.org/ ), who lectured here in town last week as well. I didn’t see this lecture live, but caught the first half of it on CJSR-FM, the local university radio station. He was speaking largely about Africa, but also diverged into human right’s issues in his talk.

We are subjected to these influences everyday, compounded by the latest propaganda gushing from our televisions, radios and print media, but I think, more often than not, we do not really reflect upon these issues, in spite of knowing that much is ill within our world. Then I was reading “The Art of Peace” by the founder of Aikido, Morihei Ueshiba. Amongst these many wise words, one phrase in particular resonated with me, perhaps bringing everything together. Ueshiba writes:

“All things are bound together harmoniously; this is the real law of gravity that keeps the universe intact.”

As a practising Buddhist, I believe in the connection between all things, much the same as is taught by the Native Medicine Wheel and other similar concepts. So, reflecting on Ueshiba words, the first part of the comment was nothing new. It is the imagery of the latter part of that statement regarding “the real law of gravity” that made this a strong image in my mind. Think about it…

Ueshiba also writes:

“Conflict between material and spiritual science creates physical and mental exhaustion, but when matter and spirit are harmonized, all stress and fatigue disappears.”

These two short but concise statements truly depict, in my opinion, all that is wrong with the world and what needs to be done to correct these problems. I also believe that this is how we must approach the problems in our world. Look within yourself, and when there is peace there, begin to reach outward beginning with your home, then your neighbourhood, city, region, country and world. If everyone were to address the first three phases of this endeavour, the world would return to a harmonious state. Closing with one last passage from Ueshiba:

“The Art of Peace does not rely on weapons or brute force to succeed; instead, we put ourselves in tune with the universe, maintain peace in our own realms, nurture life, and prevent death and destruction. The true meaning of the term samurai is one who serves and adheres to the power of love.”

Portrait: Morihei Ueshiba

My Brain Keeps Hanging Upside Down


I’m really feeling like my motivations are without a rudder, though my ambitions are buoyant in a sea of possibilities. That is to say, I’m full of un-channelled passion, seeking someplace to focus and flourish. Intensity is probably both my strongest and detrimental characteristics. It’s a strength insofar as when I find a focus I am committed and totally wrap myself within that particular pursuit. It is detrimental in that I often border on obsession and become either burnt out or disillusioned. My days of playing Rugby are a testament to this. I went from being a fat kid to a player at the international and professional level over a few years. Added to this was publishing regular contributions to a couple magazines overseas, eating and training seven days per week for Rugby, reading about Rugby and talking about Rugby. Then, one day, I got injured and my Rugby days came to an end, leaving me with an emptiness that has never been truly filled.

A few years ago I thought that perhaps the Martial Arts would take spotlight in regards to my passions. It originated with an intense interest in Eastern philosophy, Yoga and meditation. My first Martial Arts experience, aside from a couple of Kendo classes that I took while studying French in Quebec, was in Koga during my core training as a Correctional Officer. I was brutal, but wanted to learn more as I found the physics of it all fascinating. This lead to brief sojourns into Judo, Kali Ilustrisimo, Taekwondo and one class in Aikido where I separated my shoulder. I think that I might have been getting on the right road with Aikido in regards to my desire to experience a more holistic dimension of Martial Culture. The other Arts seemed to be more sport oriented which, in my opinion, completely contradicts the “martial” in “Martial Arts”. Kali was an exception, but, because of the weapons focus and the fact that I never carry a knife or stick with me, it just didn’t strike that vein feeding my heart’s passion. Anyway, Aikido looked like it might have something to offer, I got sidelined by injuries (shoulder followed by a torn hamstring at the gym), then my wife found a group who plays Netball, which is her passion, and their training night’s are the same as the Aikido club I was trying out. So, shift work and a shortage of a babysitter for our daughter, I’d rather my missus takes advantage of her passion than me pursue a vague possibility.

It’s hard to make commitments at this stage of life as well. Money isn’t overflowing in our account, I am a shift worker, my wife works 8-4 Monday-Friday, our daughter is enrolled in swimming and gymnastics and it’s pretty hard to slide in a regular activity at a specified time and place. I go to the gym when it suits me, as do I sit down with my guitar and books. But to, say, attend such-and-such session at 7pm Tuesday and Thursday evenings is not realistic.

As I mentioned money, that too is a factor as nothing is cheap these days. When I took Taekwondo, it was just over $100/month. In contrast, Judo and Aikido were non-profit groups and cost only $200/year, but didn’t have the flexibility in classes. I look at the stockpile of gear I have from past attempts, including a complete batsman’s equipment for Cricket, Taekwondo sparring gear, endless books on Freemasonry, etc., and shake my head. It almost makes one afraid to start something new!

Recent injuries supporting my final point, I’m not getting any younger! I honestly thought that there would be this epiphany of a day when my brain would become that of an adult. I am now 37, but honestly don’t think any differently than I did when I was in my 20’s. I still want to play hard at sport, form a band, backpack around the globe and have an overall bohemian existence. It’s the old punk rocker in me, I know. But a family, a house in the suburbs and a career as a gaoler – man, I sure as hell ain’t in Kansas any more! When I pick my daughter up at day home and the caregiver tells her that her “Dad” is here, I have to stop myself from looking and saying “where?” I mean, isn’t being a Dad meaning that you’re supposed to know a hell of a lot more than I do? I couldn’t fix a dripping tap or successfully build anything if my life depended upon it! Who ever hear of their Dad listening to Sonic Youth and jammin’ out Lowest of the Low tunes on their guitar? I never had a Dad growing up, so my impressions of Fatherhood were Ward Clever and Bill Cosby! My god, I can’t possibly be qualified to raise children! I remember bantering in High School about the old age homes for my generation (which of course would never exist because the USSR and USA would’ve nuked the shit out of the planet long before I lost my virginity), where you’d have all these seniors blaring DOA and Ozzy at mega-high decibels to compensate for our hearing losses suffered in our youth (unless bionic ears really became reality), with the underlying theme really being: yeah, we’ll mellow and that thing will happen so that we become the pipe smoking, cardigan wearing, classical music aficionados of the elderly of our day.

…but I’ve digressed as I am apt to do.

Perhaps I’m different, or perhaps I’m just like everyone else in that we never really get to see the world or ourselves from any perspective other than our own. So, perhaps we tend to measure life by standards that we don’t totally understand or believe in, though feel that we should because it’s what we think. I know I’ve got a lot of energy flowing about my head, a lot of passion, but just can’t seem to get a handle on it.

Life.