Masochistic Perceptions, Trials and Truths

These are my cyberfied cerebral synapses ricocheting off reality as I perceive it: thoughts, opinions, passions, rants, art and poetry...

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Symphonic Blathering in Dr. Faustus' Ear

I've just returned home from a concert of the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra, and the evening has been very meditative in nature. It truly is amazing to be a part of something so large as a full orchestra, if only as a spectator. An orchestra is an excellent metaphor for the human body as, when all is concordant amongst the various instruments, the overall massive depth and beauty of sound is magical.

I often feel depressed after such an uplifting evening. This is largely because, as much as I love music, I don't believe it is in me to ever be a part of something so massive and great. I tinker with the guitar, but my dexterity and aptitude for music just isn't where I want it to be. Sure, I most probably set standards that are of an unattainable expectation level over a certain period of time. Perhaps my inability to develop patience has been a large culprit in my inability to get to where I want to be; a virtue that I've attempted to cultivate over the years via Yoga, meditation and Chess.

So, I suppose, the meditative mindset attending a symphony is as close to being part of things as I am destined to be. True, with no one to listen, what is music? I do feel that I am at a significant point in my life right now. Living in the moment, now should always be significant. Still, as Zen as I'd like to be, I feel that, as I am nearly 40, the midlife crises that has been my life is coming to a certain, indescribable junction. I am endeavouring to chose a more pastoral path as my body is becoming less and less hi-impact activity friendly. I nearly went for my certification as a Yoga teacher this month, but backed out at the last minute. The expense was one reason…

in fact, let me digress on this point! I would love to live a healthy, holistic, environmentally friendly life, but all the trapping of that culture are bloody expensive. It kills me that there is a whole industry profiting from the Yoga-Environmental-Save-the- planet-in-style culture. I admit it: I love Prana and Lululemon. Surely, if the makers of these products believe in their mantras of making a better world, then why not make their products more accessible? Bad karma!

Though I digressed, part of my digression is relevant as to why I didn't go for my certification. A part of me feels that I'd be jumping on a fad band wagon, contrary to my punk rock nature. I got into Yoga before there was a Lululemon in the early mid 1990's, and liked it for what it was and should be. I'm glad there are people out there with studios, getting people into Yoga… I suppose I do regret not going for my certification, but, overall, I just didn't feel that the time was right for me. I am just starting a new class tomorrow from a guy who is pretty much in the same mindset as I am… I don't know….

So, the pastoral life is definitely Yoga filled in my future. The important thing is to make Yoga and the balance Yoga seeks in all aspects of my life. I'm also contemplating becoming a vegetarian again. I was a veggie from 1992-95, all starting with an unpleasant series of meal in Czechoslovakia where I was living and teaching. I was rarely sick that whole time and dropped from 220 lbs to 165 lbs. I did it because it felt good. I don't buy all the anti-meat stuff from a health perspective as there are chemical cocktails in everything we eat these days. Morally, I could never kill a cow or chicken, so perhaps I shouldn't eat them…

Yoga aside, I have a good book on classical guitar that I might wade through. The problem in developing such proficiencies in guitar and Chess just require way too much time. I teach Junior High and have a family to raise. Though my time is German engineered with Swiss precision, I still find it difficult to fit all the living I want to do in.

This blog entry has become much like the freewriting that I do with my students. Just felt like writing (something else I wish I had the time to focus on). It's way past my bedtime and the first bell rings early.

Thanks for dropping by.




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