Masochistic Perceptions, Trials and Truths

These are my cyberfied cerebral synapses ricocheting off reality as I perceive it: thoughts, opinions, passions, rants, art and poetry...

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Week Two of the Newfound Journey

It will be two weeks tomorrow since my commitment to a renewed spiritual self. Over this time, I have maintained a vegetarian diet, been pretty consistent with my Yoga and meditation practice and have been reading various texts ranging from books recommended to me by my psychologist to books on Buddhism and Sufism. Overall, I have noticed an improvement in how I feel and a better sense of psychological clarity. Again, nothing earth shattering, but a pleasant subtle change in my awareness and general sense of joy has become apparent.

Progress aside, sleep, or the inability to sleep, as been my Achilles heel. I have not slept through one night now in over five weeks which has left me feeling a bit run down. Getting to sleep has not been so much the problem, but I am constantly waking through the night. Sometimes the waking will be for five minutes, other times, twenty to thirty. I have been to see my physician about changing my meds (I am on Paxil and remeron for my anxiety/depression). He recently swapped out my Remeron for Seroquil, but the latter does not seem to help at all. Last night was particularly bad. I was utterly exhausted, went to sleep with a guided relaxation meditation CD, but, at some time between midnight and one, I woke up, unable to get to sleep. Frustrated as I was completely exhausted the day previous from being unable to sleep, I took a sleeping pill, my recently discontinued Remeron and a Rivitrol in an effort to get some rest. It worked, but, obviously, I don’t want to depend on an elaborate sedative cocktail to get my kip.

It is frustrating, this battle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I am aware that I am on a journey and this journey must proceed at it’s own pace. I only with there was a better sense of camaraderie in enduring this affliction. I have been through some pretty rigorous things ranging from basic military training in the Navy, countless events in prison (largely the source of my PTSD combined with an abusive upbringing at the hands and tongue of my Mother) and so forth, all which offered some kind of consolation in a band of brothers manner. With GAD and PTSD, one feels very alone, even though, through all the readings and psychologist sessions, you realize that there are multitudes of individuals suffering from the same afflictions.

And so goes this journey. I seek solace in that my panic attacks have all but subsided and that I am feeling like I have gained a better understanding and clarity as it pertains to what is going on inside of me. Perhaps, should the day come when I am beyond these problems manifesting at such a strong magnitude, I will be all the more stronger and can share what I’ve learned with other being affected by similar symptoms. Being mindful and present prevents me from looking too far ahead with wantonness, but my resolve is strengthened in the belief that I have made it through the worst part and, though things are not perfect, that things simply still are.

So, onwards. I am going to a Moksha Yoga class on Saturday with my wife and friend/massage therapist which will be a new experience for me. I’ve always wanted to try “hot” yoga, though the heat does make me a bit nervous.

And speaking of Yoga classes, though not a certified instructor myself, I began teaching Yoga to my special needs students in gym class. It was really cool as some of them came away from it saying “wow” and loved it. A couple are even trying to coerce me to start a Yoga club here at lunch. I must say that I’d love to take a teacher training course in Yoga, but with a price tag up at $2000, it’s a bit beyond my means right now. Shame about that. I’ve also been teaching my 5 year old daughter a bit of yoga, chanting and meditation. It’s a beautiful thing to see and really nice bonding time.

In closing, my intent in all that I have shared here has been simply to share my experiences. Perhaps you can take something away from this, perhaps not. Either way, may your life be filled with love, peace and happiness.



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