Masochistic Perceptions, Trials and Truths

These are my cyberfied cerebral synapses ricocheting off reality as I perceive it: thoughts, opinions, passions, rants, art and poetry...

Monday, December 05, 2005


I never imagined that I would ever be a Father. Growing up I never had a Dad as my parents divorced when I was something like 18 months of age. So, for starters, I didn't have a role model, so the Father concept was relegated to what I had seen in other families, read in books or saw on tv. To further complicate things, I never had any siblings nor had I ever really been around small children. So, when my wife and I finally opted to breed, the resulting journey has certainly been an adventure and one that I'd never trade.
Life freaks me out in general in terms of all that is out there, knowledge to gain, experiences to have and soforth. You look at the complexity of the human body and it still contains oodles of mysteries. So you thing creating one of these complex organisms would make rocket science look like learning how to latch-hook. But, the truth is, it's simpler than baking a cake! Getting started is easy enough as all you require are two fertile people, one from each of the two sexes, add water and presto. Now that alone should freak anyone out. I know it sounds crude, but most mature adults have seen the results of the male sex organ when stimulated. The thought that that bit of goo meshes with some more goo after the long journey through the woman's innerds and comes back out as a small human some nine months later is beyond bizarre! Still, this is the most natural thing in creation but also one of the most incredible!
So just over three years ago this new human entered our home. I truly believe the paternal instinct is far less instincive than the maternal one as my wife actually seemed to know what to do when our daughter made her debut into our lives. I was just fixated on the whole "shit this thing really works" aspect of the whole ordeal.
...Incidentally, that never wears off especially as they begin to grow and develop.
At that point I realised two things: (1) I love this little girl more than anything in this world and more intensely than I knew I could ever love someone and (2) I don't have a clue as to what to do with this baby - and I'm a teacher by trade!!!! What does one do with something so small? I tried to sing to her, she cried. I couldn't feed her. What do you say to someone who's a day old, knowing eventually everything you say and do will be absorbed like a sponge and serve as a role model for this small human? It was truly a very stressful time for me and I think that it really affected the bonding process.
But as my daughter began to grow a bit older, the interaction evolved and it was definitely a mutual evolution. From that point, with the development of speech morphing to full blown conversations has opened up a world that was totally foreign to me. She's just over three now and every day is more fun.
Of course, being a parent is also to become someone who worries. Think of all the times that you didn't phone or returned home late and figured "ah, the folks are over-reacting" or something to that tone. It doesn't help that I work in a Maximum Security Prison filled with child molesters and child killers that adds to my anxiety, but that aside, when you come to know a love as profound as that which I have for my daughter, the thought of ever losing them or seeing them injured or ill is unbearable and you know that it's possible because of all that you see in society around you. Then there's the role model aspect - it's not just what you do or say, but they also pick stuff out of the music you listen to, etc. What's worse, you basically have to train yourself to know what to do. How we take our parents for granted!
Despite the love, parenting has also had its moments filled with tantrums and sleepless nights do to illness of the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz. There's also the strain put on a marriage as sleep deprivation coupled with everything revolving around the child and thus resulting in an alteration of the relationship's focus and each parent's life. I honestly don't know how my Mom raised me alone, along with all the other single parents out there. I think for all of us who have offspring, Mother's and Father's Day earns a new significance!
Anyway, I have a long road ahead and am thankful to be on the journey. I know that there's a lot of really great parents who can't have kids, and others who have had children and lost them - both would be more horrible than I could ever fathom. Life is freakin' incredible.


  • At 10:04 p.m. , Blogger Jay said...

    Seems to me fatherhood has created a deep sense of nostalgia of your own childhood..It brings about a better appreciation of parents as the responsibilities are not taught but naturally understood. And it's quiet interesting to momentarily lapse into your childhood and then reflect upon your own child :)

    Cheers have a cute kid.

  • At 6:05 p.m. , Blogger Real-E said...


    Here's to living vicariously!


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