Masochistic Perceptions, Trials and Truths

These are my cyberfied cerebral synapses ricocheting off reality as I perceive it: thoughts, opinions, passions, rants, art and poetry...

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Wallowing in Sleepless Self Pity

After a fairly decent night's sleep on Thursday and a great day on Friday as a result, I returned to my insomniac ways last night and, again, feel like death warmed over. I even stayed up until 11 p.m., took a sleeping pill, but then was awake pretty much from 1 a.m. onwards. As I am turning 40 this year, I wonder if this might be related somehow to male menopause? This is week nine of my insomnia. I am finding it more and more difficult to deal with the frustration that this is causing me.

My next doctor's appointment is scheduled for a week from Monday, but I might try to get in earlier this week and see if there's anything he can give me. I'm taking immovane, valerian root and the odd rivitrol at bed time to no avail. This is in addition to the Paxil I take in the morning. Again, frustration aside, my anxiety levels have been fairly low and the symptoms of PTSD are minimal in the odd flashback.

I don't smoke, I'm not consuming alcohol, I've cut 99% of the caffeine out of my diet, I'm exercising regularly, doing yoga, meditation, eating a low fat vegetarian diet… None of this is making sense. In a purely empirical motivation, I feel like going to the corner store, buying a package of cigarettes, coming home, drinking a six pack and eating some potato chips while watching "Cops" on TV just to see if it makes a difference!

Alas, I know in my heart of hearts (and for my heart's sake as I'm certain this sleeplessness is putting pressure on my ticker and my cholesterol's up and white blood count was down in January). So, though my making too much of an effort may be the bane of my sleepless disposition, I have elected to go to a Moksha hot Yoga class tonight at 5 p.m. to see if that will sop the shit out of me enough that I might slumber a solid night through. I feel like puking I'm so tired now + it's probably a side effect of popping too many sleeping pills. This is fucking insane. I'm sounding like a whiner. I know the Buddhist thing would be to accept what is, but AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRgh! Give me strength!


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